changing the world isn’t about being famous, i mean look at those who are apparently changing our world and are famous.. i mean look at some of the people running our fucking government, they think they’ve fucking made it because their faces are in the paper for trying to make changes and on posters, on the news. but look at the public opinion.. pricks…
the world is well and truly fucked
from the moment i sat in that court room, watching how because of someones job title, their mistake was overlooked by the law of the country, it was that moment i realised, that my suspicion was confirmed, that the world is FUCKED and that the law can be bent so easily when its wanted. anyone else would have been in jail. That to me is one fuckin almost impossible world to live in, it was that fucking moment, the real anger started to build and that i thought fuck this.. Im gonna fuck the world and i’m gonna fuck it hard, don’t care how insane that sounds.
I used to ask myself
am i maturer or am i behind than all those around me, same age, same situation
because they don’t understand me, they don’t see things the way i do
but then I realised, we’re not in the same situation, we never have been, we never will be,
that’s just the problem, we’ve been through very different things,
I always thought what will it take? to ‘wake’ me up and give me my strength back
what will it take before its too late and everything comes fucking crashing down?
truth is, i don’t have a fucking clue. it’s one thing after another
one thing i do know, a selfless person in a selfish world, is gonna learn the hard way,
maybe i gotta attitude problem, the ones around me , no .. i dont think im superior but i know that ive learnt a lot of fucking lessons, perhaps too soon, too fast
caused me to develop a very fucking harsh view of the world, and slowly but surely develop a very fucking motivated attitude
i intend to be something great, not to others, to myself,
it doesn’t matter what i do, some people will think im great, most will not
so i think you know what, ill be fuckin great, ill be able to achieve almost anything i want, no one else might give a shit, but the point is ill make my life amazing, for me.. I’ll live with great satisfaction and having learnt very wise lessons about life
i’m on a completely different level, even to my closest friends, yeah were the same age, and the same kinda class, live with family etc, but we’re TOTALLY different mentality and that says it all. because im not willing to fuckin hang around watching this shit, some might think thats an attitude problem, but to me it’s fucking motivation. motivation for life.
you break a leg to the table, risk us falling on our face,
you destroy another value of the cement that holds together the foundation,
you put another brick on the wall that is building between us,
you add the fuel to the fire that hate needs to burn,
you pull another piece of slate from beneath our feet which we stand on,
you must be completely blind to the fact that we’re almost on our knees,
I’m so lost
don’t know where my heads at
everything, everything has changed
well infact nothing has, but in my head it has, because I see and deal with everything differently
I’m open to changes, but I never imagined this
I feel like I need to move on, from everything and everyone
I feel like I’m not ‘here’ anymore
everything feels weird and unfamiliar
it’s like I woke up in another world
I don’t go out anymore, i have no desire to do anything
I avoid people I know purposely
The people I used to look up to and talk to everyday
they were my world at one point
but now, I walk past like they’re nothing because I don’t want to talk
to anyone
I don’t want to go out, Don’t want to do anything
don’t know what to do, I’m floating around, lost
just trying to do what I can think of
but everythings in one ear out the other, nothing seems real
i can’t seem to distinguish between imagination and reality
it’s like i’ve disconnected myself from the world i don’t get it
I’m not really here, my heads floating in the clouds
but yet I’ve developed this really negative view of the world
I realised that those who I thought were there, were never really there
people are only there if you think they are, no ones really here for anyone
we’re all here for ourselves, we’re all selfish humans surviving off one another
it’s like dog eat dog, even our own families
our mum and dad don’t tell each other everything, thats one connection ruled out, because they are their own person, brother and sister well.. thats obvious, so bang all communication lines ruled out,
that clearly states that no relationship, nothing is stable, the whole world is floating around in the clouds, no one truly connected to one another, even the one we love is their own person, still two different people
is there anyway to ever fully connect with someone so that nothing can break you apart, or are we really all pathetic vulnerable SELFISH human beings, dont get it, id rather be a siamese twin with someone, want to be that close, but isnt that just being insecure?
i feel so ugly, so unconfident, i see now, i see how fat i really am; yes ive lost weight but omg im still so fucking far off, so fat, so unattractive and my face, says it all, i look so rough these days, i feel like nothing, and i want to let all that get to me, but where will it get me, if i let it touch me, what DO i do, dont know whats right and whats wrong anymore, and is all of this really just hormones?
i feel it coming on, something big is going to happen a big change, because im going to implement it, im scared of what, not a clue, but all the little ones ive been doing lately i didnt realise im capable, its like an out of body experience, and i dont know where all this shitty spontaneous thinking is coming from, i could write a book right now, but i know that something is going to happen, i cannot stay in this state of mind, its building up and up and im gonna blow
i NEED my strength back, what the fuck will it take, what am i trapped in,because something does not feel right and i dont know what it is i really dont, how fucked up is that, i feel like theres something strapping me to a seat. something needs to happen and i dont know what it is yet..
one thing i know, i am not like everyone else, i am so different to this world, and im so sure that with all this determination inside me, ill either go far, or totally break, i dont know which end ill hit
Tired of treading water swimming up stream
This is not how it should be.
Waiting for the sky to open a chance to breathe
I dont need another reason i need
A flood of emotion
to drown my feelings
of love and devotion
take it from me
the crying is over
and all i need
is a flood of emotion
to drown my feelings
I dont wanna give up your a part of me
but nothings coming unstuck
and it never will
waiting for the sky to fall for the rain to come
for the depths of the earth to explode
like my heart with a flood of emotion
to drown my feelings of love and devotion
take it from me
the crying is over and all i need
is a flood of emotion to drown my feelings
It’s so easy to lose a part of yourself as you go through life.
Might suddenly wake up one day and think fuck, who am i?, feel empty, don’t feel like myself and I want the real me back, but who is that?
parts of you, maybe even your entire soul can be overwhelmed from trauma and loss.
You look back at photos and think how happy you were or confident and wonder what happened
trauma has altered my life dramatically, but you can live on, i am living proof.
But you keep going without realising you’ve lost a part of you along the way
Here i am, with a deep exploration process of myself, looking for healing,
- Recognize the loss
- Identify the missing parts
- explore how you got off track
- reclaim your lost self.
Questions for reflection:
- Who am I? Is this who I want to be?
- What am I missing?
- Which parts am I missing?
- What am I longing for?
- What were my dreams as a child, a teen, a young adult?
- What were my passions as a child, a teen, a young adult?
- How do I want my life to look? Today? In 5 years? When I die?
- What are my values?
- What do I cherish most highly?
- What brings me happiness, satisfactions, a sense of accomplishment?
how did you lose yourself?
- An event
- a relationship
- traumatic loss
- living a lie
- putting on a happy face
- etc..
by recognizing what trips you up, you recognize your vulnerabilities,
BUT you’ll never be happy if you hold onto past hurt. moving on begins with forgiveness
the process of rediscovering yourself will take time. The lost parts of yourself need to be remembered, reclaimed, embraced, and nourished fully in order to sprout and grow. Practices that utilize the right side of the brain may especially enhance your progress.
- Journal writing, free writing, or blogging
- Artistic expressions ~ painting, collages, drawing, working with clay
- The use of color in your environment and dress
- Discovering what makes you happy ~ more joy and less joy
- Deciding to love yourself and starting right now
- Using one powerful word to guide your healing process
- Establishing a goal – like changing jobs – and making a plan to achieve it
- Creating a new daily habit that nourishes the reclaimed aspect of yourself.
It makes sense to seek a deeper sense of self. It’s better to engage your sense of self more like a willow than a sturdy oak. The willow is flexible and survives the storm as it bends with the wind, whereas the more rigid oak is more likely to crack.
An individual who has the “body of the willow tree” has a spine that is flexible, the tissues are pliable and all the systems in the body are dynamic and flowing. This body has a greater ability to adapt to the stress that is placed upon it. This body type could also be viewed as a rubber band. If a force is placed on the side of a stretched rubber band, the band stretches, gives and adapts to the force without breaking. This is the kind of body (and mind) we should all be striving to achieve.
“
It seems we’re going nowhere fast,
we’ve reached the climax,
don’t wanna give in
do we both give up
I’ve fallen somehow, feet off the ground
Love is the blow, that keeps raining down
Where are you now? When I need you around
I’m on my knees but it seems we’re
Going nowhere fast
Thinking distortions
Thoughts are like photographs. We take an image, something that is what it is, and we can change it. We can get closer or farther from it. We can see it in black in white or in color. We can choose to zoom in on a specific portion of the picture. The ideas and images we photograph in our minds can be altered with different lenses. They can be distorted and changed not only by the variety of lenses we are looking through but also by the various ways we develop the the film. Thoughts are amazing. They can be wonderful and useful, but they can also be very far from what is reality (but what, really, is reality?).
13 Thinking Distortions
- All or nothing thinking.
Seeing things in black and white; anything short of perfection is seen as failure. - Over-generalization.
Seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. - Mental filter.
Dwelling on a single negative detail that colors all reality. - Disqualifying the positive.
Rejecting positive experiences to sustain negative beliefs. - Jumping to conclusions.
Making negative conclusions not supported by facts. - Mind reading.
Arbitrarily concluding others are reacting negatively to you without verification. - Fortune telling.
Anticipating, and experiencing as an established fact, things turning out badly. - Magnification.
Exaggerating the importance of things. - Minimization.
Inappropriately reducing the value of things or qualities of others. - Emotional reasoning.
Assuming negative emotions reflect the way things really are. - Labeling.
Attaching labels to yourself and others and describing events in emotionally-loaded phrases. - Should statements.
Motivating yourself with “shoulds” and “should nots” which results in guilt and anger. - Personalization.
Seeing yourself as the cause for events which you had no control over.
The lens of life
There are people who have lived through devastating tragedies, but whose lives have not been destroyed, and who ultimately emerge with more light to share and to offer. Why is this? Because they have chosen to determine their fate — not by circumstance — but by their choice of their lens. These people become our family touchstones. They have not been defeated by life’s circumstances, because they have chosen lenses that have allowed them to see spiritual lessons shining in the most difficult and challenging events.
With all these many lenses available to us, why would we choose lenses like anxiety, frustration, and despair? Through these lenses we will see reasons to be angry, suspicious, covetous, or resentful. We will be consumed by emotions that drain us and drain the people around us.
Those who look at life through the lens of compassion will see opportunities for healing and wholeness.
Those who look through the lens of gratitude will see opportunities to celebrate life’s blessings.
Those who look through the lens of courage will find opportunities to encounter their essential strength.
Those who look through the lens of freedom will see new opportunities for movement and expression.
Those who look through the lens of love will see opportunities to connect with others in the deepest and most meaningful way a human being is able.
Those who look through the lens of happiness will see opportunities to smile, to laugh, and to enjoy the many gifts available in every moment.
Grief blocks the wonderful things you have shared with the one who is no longer walking beside us. Grief blocks the positive things that have come from a lost relationship. Positive things like the love and deep friendship you have had with those who have moved on to a better place. Grief blocks the realization that one who has passed on no longer need deal with all the pitfalls, pain, sickness, and woes the rest of us, who are left behind, need to deal with each and every day. Grief blocks the love and memories we need to feel to heal ourselves. Grief blocks the presence in our hearts and minds of those gone. Grief blocks us from allowing their love, which is still there, to reach us. Grief blocks their love from healing us. From embracing us.
in the infinity of life, where I am
There is no beginning and no end,
only a constant cycling and recycling
of substance and experiences,
Life is never stuck or static or safe,
for each moment is fresh and new,
I am the one with the power that created me
and this power has given me the power
to create my own circumstances.
Every moment of my life is a new beginning point,
as me move from the old.
This moment is a new point of beginning for me
right here and right now
look at life through a clear lens
What does it take? To get to know yourself.. how do you clearly state off the top of your head who you are as a person and what you want in life and who you want to spend it with. Where down the line did I get lost in a leaky pipe and get thrown out of the flow of life away from everyone else. What does it take.. I though losing someone would make it easier because you’re so much maturer after dealing with something like that and learning to live again, but its not all about maturity is it. I like to test every angle of life, I can honestly say theres nothing I’m significantly scared of. death taught me the true meaning of ‘whats the worst that could happen?’ It also taught me the meaning of selfish. I had to be, because everyone else had to be. No one wants to be caught up in that shit. When it happens to you it dont matter what the impact, yeah theyll offer support, but the fact still remains that they didn’t sign up for this shit and they’re not going to now. That pain would be too intense for them to uphold in their lives, so why would they want that. Back to the point, what does it take to realise who you are. That made me realise im strong, so strong yet so weak. But still don’t know what I want. Because I’m not really in fear of anything, wouldn’t call myself wreckless, but I feel the need to explore all angles of life, I’m talking the kind most people don’t want to, I invite it with open arms, met all kinds of people, but they’re never like me, and I and they both know I don’t belong there on that side of life, so why do I find myself there. It’s like we lost you, and I lost a massive part of myself, to the point its like I’m walking around,hollow. It’s like I look for the missing part in everything and everyone. But what am I meant to do, whats next?. I know who I want and where I want to be In life I just don’t know how to keep him and stay on track for my future..why do I feel so lost. Im trying to live, but I’m trying to find happiness too. I know I can’t replace you but this is fucked up, I can’t keep going in circles. So what does it take, how bad do I have to mess up or be hurt to realise which path is wrong. I feel that soon it will come to an end. I don’t know by what means but I’m prepared for that. Because I can’t keep going round and round, I let anger and determination build up and up and never act on it so people never see how strong I am, I don’t. I’m not me and I don’t know where I’m gonna land. Maybe I’m too focused on whats right instead of just living. I don’t have a fucking clue what to do. So much on my mind, petty to some, but major to me. These things that keep me going, feel so unstable like I’m treading on ice, yet I chose this. Maybe ill never know why. Everyone knows themselves, but when I lost you, I lost me and I’m still looking for answers. Maybe a bit of fear is healthy, I want some, because then I’d know what I have to lose and how not to lose it.
